Year One of Naley By Nature
I quit my job of five years in October 2021. But the conversation about quitting my job started MONTHS before that. It’s not just that I needed convincing, I acknowledged that my time at my current position had reached its natural conclusion, I yearned for something more aligned to my purpose. I felt it in my bones that I needed to take the leap, but now years removed from that moment, I see that there were many risks that I was well aware of, and there were even more that I did not even consider. Those lessons shaped the past few years of my life. The first year of trying to establish ourselves, not based on a proven playbook, not based on what will keep us just out of survival mode, but one that we had to walk alone, and that path was nonexistent. Our steps forward paved the way. I am still in the process of dealing with many of these lessons. Indeed, it is that intensive of a journey...
Accountability is essential, I always thought of myself as someone that took accountability. But that belief was tested to the MAX once I joined Naley to produce videos for Naley By Nature. I realized how much I outsourced accountability to external factors to accomplish my tasks, to validate my output and to proceed forward. Because once there is someone or something that I could tether my responsibilities to, I was motivated. It was conditioned into me. In school, specifically with assignments I was not particularly interested in, I would rely on maintaining my academic record to produce excellent work. Standardized testing, competitive environments, and the dangling of my future kept me properly driven. Upon further reflection, I also see how shame kept me in a constant state of surveillance of my mind, my choices and my behavior. You don’t do that for years, without experiencing some real blowback once all those external stakes dissolve. The work that I chose by joining Naley By Nature, was rooted in intrinsic values, values that I determined would bring me closer to the person I wish to be. But I soon learned that I must intentionally build structures to externalize the motivation. Upon returning from Palestine after a 3-month journey, we had collected hours of interviews, that we would need to produce and publish for the Youtube channel. In the beginning, I used the upswing of energy from our time there to make the videos, but after a few weeks, a problem arose... actually several.
I felt really unsure about how I wanted the audience to come away from watching the videos. I was dissatisfied with my editing skills, and on top of that, the videos we were spending so much time producing, were getting little to no reception. I kept fixating on my shortcomings, and it was getting in the way of taking ownership of the stories we had documented. I would set deadlines and repeatedly fail to meet them. It was frustrating trying to use a system of pressure and outsourced accountability to complete projects that deeply required my creative direction.
Thankfully, we were able to publish all of our videos from Palestine. The problems that surfaced, I took note of, but I still had a ways to go when analyzing challenges as useful information for me to get better. I failed to take into account the emotional toll, the importance of my own presence behind the camera.
When faced with a challenge, I could not easily resolve, I believed it meant I couldn’t overcome this challenge. Thus, I took those moments as a personal failing. The objective and rational approach I would take to address problems at my 9 to 5 job, granted me composure and clear vision. I struggled in this area when it came to the work of documenting real stories that were at times, emotionally heavy. Sharing your story with the world is such an intimate experience and it requires a delicate touch on our part. When editing these videos months later, I would notice my discomfort at the vulnerability. This was the part of me that was scared to see myself struggle through hard times, through obstacles that don’t have clear-cut solutions. In the last few years, I sat with the discomfort, and gradually, it has helped me reframe my sensitivity as a genuine desire to connect with people on a deeper level.
This leads me to a lesson that I am still in the process of learning: creative collaboration. Naley and I have been best of friends our entire lives. She is probably my closest, most cherished confidant. Our relationship experienced its fair share of turbulence as we grew into a partnership. What became evident is that where our friendship felt natural and easy, working together would require more effort and coordination. Which can only be established by how well we are able to communicate. And in our first year, there was a lot of resistance in our exploratory phase. From my side, most of the friction stemmed from my own self-doubts. I need a lot of space to truly understand myself, but I would not always communicate my needs and expectations. I didn’t know how. Sometimes, I wasn’t sure what I really needed or wanted. I felt awkward and frustrated, when I couldn’t contribute in a meaningful way, and the pressure to perform started to build inside me.
When we arrived in Nablus, we vowed to stay open to what the experience has in store for us. We knew we would interview people for our “What are you wearing?” series, but we also wanted to conduct one-on-one interviews. It was agreed upon that Naley would conduct the interviews, and I would man the camera and audio. I felt that if I could just do my role as the camera person, it would be enough. But that was really masking feelings I didn’t know how to express. Our time in Palestine was incredible, one for the ages. It was raw and intense and I was forced to confront if I really had what it takes to do this. I knew that significant change was needed, but at that moment, I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do, so I concentrated on just being present.
The reason I say that this lesson is still unfolding is not to skirt around my role. Since Palestine, Naley and I have traveled to India, Vietnam and Iran. We have written together. We have also done our own thing. Our dynamic continues to evolve. One thing that we have working in our favor is trust. I think without it, navigating this aspect of our partnership would have been near impossible. What I have learned is that developing my communication intentionally and more honestly is helping me redefine my role.
As much as the past five years have triggered my internal system, it has just as much called out my relationship to the physical world, to resources. Committing to this project was a financial investment, we would have to support ourselves by establishing our value through our work. My relationship with money has taught me that money moves the same way energy does. It flows. It magnetizes. It activates potential energy and responds to vibe coherence. And what that meant for me was projecting my worth outwards and more specifically how much I really valued the work I was doing. I discovered I was engaging with having enough resources from a lack mindset.
If I played small, I’d win small prizes. My fear of being seen diminished my presence and value cannot be gauged from this space. My thoughts were perpetuating the same beliefs I saw as confirmation of my smallness. As a creative that is committed to shifting the spotlight to the historically marginalized and oppressed, how could I possibly shine a light on their experiences, when I am dimming my own? I saw how much I needed to expand to truly hold space for what I could become, and that included recognizing the value of what I am right now.
In the beginning, anything you do feels alien, but you forget that what feels natural as breathing now, once required your full attention. How your hands trembled in the beginning, steadied with time and consistency.
Five years later, I can honestly say that my hands have started to stabilize.
Year one of Naley By Nature tested me unlike anything ever before. That first year laid the foundation for me to step into my highest potential. Those initial experiences challenged me to emerge, to trust myself, but at the same time, pushed me to transcend my mind, and find resonance that can only come from listening to my heart. I believe my trajectory as a creator was decided in that first year with Naley By Nature, and I am grateful for how it has shaped me.
